Why Alpha Gamers Are The Way They Are

Ever heard of or played with alpha gamers and wonder why they are the way they are? Well, the good news is I used to be one, so I can provide a little insight on that.

Alpha gamers are the way they are for a variety of reasons, but most of them boil down to alpha gamers feeling a need to be in control of a game, often because they don’t feel in control inside.

A Quick Note About This Article And Me

I want to start this article off by saying I’m not a doctor (seriously). I’m not licensed, certified, nor have I done any serious research for this article.

My only credentials, if you can even call them that, are that I’ve been deeply involved with the board gaming hobby since 2012, and I’ve also been an alpha gamer before.

But that experience doesn’t mean what I write here should be taken just as it is. I highly encourage you to do your own research on this matter. While I doubt official studies have been done on why alpha gamers are the way they are, I definitely don’t doubt studies have been done on why people try to take control of situations, are poor winners, sore losers, and so on.

So, do your own research and come to your own conclusions. I’m just one guy on the internet who likes board games. Not a doctor.

What’s An Alpha Gamer?

As a not-doctor, my unofficial definition of an alpha gamer is someone who tries to take control of a game, whether through telling others what to do or complaining if they’re not doing well. Even doing this one time can make someone an alpha gamer, but usually alpha gamers do this across games.

Why Are Alpha Gamers The Way They Are?

Here’s the thing, and this isn’t always the case, but people like to seem big because they feel small. Obviously, it takes a pretty big gut-check to realize and then accept you’re feeling small (and it takes some self-awareness too), but, in short, alpha gamers act big because they feel small.

But, let’s not be so concise. Let’s dive into this a bit further. First of all, what do I mean by feeling small?

What Does It Mean To Feel Small?

I remember the way I used to be when I lost games. It didn’t matter if it was a board game, a video game, or a pickup game of football with some friends. If I lost, there was a good chance I was feeling bad.

Here’s the thing, it’s okay to feel bad when you lose something. It’s what you do with that feeling that counts though.

And what did I do? Well, that depended on several things. Sometimes I would pout, sometimes I would get quiet, and sometimes I would get angry or vocal.

Feeling Bad

In my mind, I was justified in doing those things because I felt bad, and I felt bad because in my mind not winning meant I wasn’t good enough. Not good enough for what or whom, you might ask. Well, I don’t have an answer for you there. Could’ve been the people I was playing with, some otherworldly deity, or something else.

No matter who I didn’t feel good enough for, I just didn’t feel good enough if I lost.

I also remember being terrified of this feeling, aside from being terrified in general that is. And that made me feel small too, that feeling of being afraid. I saw how other people acted, seeming so confident and like they knew what they were doing all the time, and I felt like I was totally the opposite.

Being Perfect

And there was one way out of that problem: being perfect. If I was perfect, then that meant I wasn’t afraid, not good enough, etc. What that also meant was that if I lost, I wasn’t perfect, which meant I wasn’t good enough, etc.

Still, somewhat contradictory, there was one thing I was good at, and that was video games and board games. Even if I lost, I usually put in a good performance. It’s just that I couldn’t see that.

So, in the end, I wasn’t good enough for myself. In the end, I felt small because of myself.

I could probably go on and on about this topic forever, but I think you get the idea of what it means to be small. At least for me.

How Alpha Gamers Act Big

Alpha gamers, like I used to be, act big to cover up for feeling small. They do this in a variety of ways and often they’re acting big for themselves, less so for the other players.

One way is by taking control of the game. If they control the game, then nothing can go wrong. They don’t have to trust anyone else because if they’re in charge and they’re perfect then there’s nothing that’s left to chance. That makes them feel safe, which is something they’ll achieve at any cost.

Another way is by throwing a fit when things aren’t going their way or if they’re not getting what they want. Admittedly, this is a baby tactic, but it does work. There are all sorts of ways to make someone feel bad for doing well or get them on an alpha gamer’s side.

Alpha gamers will also choose what games are played when they’re played, and who they’re playing them with. They’ll learn the rules and resent those who teach rules poorly.

Sometimes, alpha gamers even get into confrontations because it’s always better to act big than to feel small.

What Can Be Done To Help Alpha Gamers?

You may be wondering how I stopped being an alpha gamer. Honestly, it took several bad experiences and a willingness to change (ironically partially driven by my perfectionism) for that to happen.

I almost physically hurt someone because of a video game I lost. I also almost lost my best friend because of repeated issues with me being a sore loser. Also, I almost lost another good friend because of the same thing.

To this day, I think about how lucky I am to still have those people in my life, and to have avoided doing any serious, lasting damage to anyone. To be clear, I did have a falling out with someone over being a sore loser, but we were already on bad terms due to unrelated issues, so I don’t count that even though I still shouldn’t have been a sore loser.

But it was through those bad experiences that I realized I wasn’t having fun with games and I was going to lose my friends in the process. I didn’t like that feeling, and I truly felt small then.

What I Did

So, what did I do? Well, I made myself feel big. I went the opposite direction in trying to avoid being an alpha gamer. Now, I’m afraid I’m not doing enough to make sure everyone’s having a good time. Heck, there are even times I feel guilty about winning.

But that’s all part of the process, and I’d rather be in that position than nearly lose friends. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking people after a game is over if they had a good time or if I did a good job not being an alpha gamer. It’s not like that at all.

It’s just that sometimes I catch myself going way far in the opposite direction of being an alpha gamer. And it’s like I’m trying to feel small.

Most of the time, I just realize it doesn’t matter if I feel big or small just so long as we’re all having a good time playing a game. That’s how I win now, whether I win or not.

But What About Some Practical Advice?

Okay, practically, even if that works for you, that’s still a little abstract, so let’s get concrete. What can you do if you’re an alpha gamer or to help someone who’s an alpha gamer?

Well, if you are an alpha gamer trying to get help, the good news is you’ve already taken a HUGE step in the process. If you’re trying to help someone who’s an alpha gamer, you’ve still taken a big step too.

So, here’s what you can do.

What You Can Do

First of all, unless you’re a doctor, realize that you can do work on your own, and it might pay off with the results you’re looking for, but it might also be worth getting professional help.

I’ve done plenty of therapy in my day, not for alpha gaming, but for other issues, and it was a seriously eye-opening experience. I’m actually thinking of going back again here soon.

To be clear, you’ll have to find a therapist that works for you, which is part of the process. It might take one, two, or more therapists until you find someone who you click with and really seems to be on your side.

But keep at it. I can’t guarantee results, but it definitely helped me.

Also, whether you’re helping someone who’s an alpha gamer or you are an alpha gamer, you can talk to people. Talk to your friends, talk to the person who’s alpha gaming. You don’t have to go all ooey gooey about everything, but it might help to ask why they keep doing the things they’re doing. You don’t even have to call it alpha gaming during this talk. In fact, it might be best to avoid that term since that might make an alpha gamer defensive.

Lastly, during get-togethers, set boundaries. Not in a confrontational way, but if someone is alpha gaming and trying to tell you what to do, you can say things like, “Hey, thanks for the suggestion. I like to ask if I need help though.” If they don’t respect that, that becomes a much different conversation, but if they’re a friend, they should.

There’s more too, but this should be a good start.

Did You Know?

(Each time you refresh the page you will get a new “Did You Know” fact!)

Did you know that the biggest board game convention in the world is in Germany? It’s called Internationale Spieltage SPIEL but is usually called Essen Game Fair. It takes place in Essen, Germany, and features over 1,000 exhibitors from lots of countries. It has also regularly had over 100,000, or sometimes over 200,000 people attend.

By comparison, Gen Con, which takes place in Indianapolis, Indiana has only recently climbed over 60,000 and has only neared the 70,000 mark once so far.

Conclusion: Why Alpha Gamers Are The Way They Are

I’m deeply hopeful this helps you if you’re an alpha gamer or trying to help someone who is. If you’re not, who knows, maybe that’ll help you down the road someday.

What are your thoughts on all of this though? I’m sure I missed something, so what ideas do you have about why alpha gamers are the way they are or how to deal with them? Let me know your thoughts and why in the comments below (especially if you’re a doctor)!

And, as always, keep on gaming, fellow board gamers.